Because we are never not inclusive here on Red Nails (and where I say ‘we’, I actually mean just me) today’s post is targeted squarely at men. I’m even drinking Guinness and eating a Yorkie as I type.
Not really. It’s a cup of tea and pink wafer.
More specifically, today on Red Nails we are celebrating Movember. Clearly, we don’t actually participate: that’d be weird. But we know stuff. We’ve seen bad grooming in our time (and good grooming: a close pal* has never got his facial hair wrong). And because the art of moustache-growing seems to have got a little lost along the way we’ve decided to help ya’ll out and let this post take the form of a visual guide. Or rather, a simple gallery of other blokes with inspiring facial hair. This man is not included, for reasons that should be entirely obvious. Men prepping your upper lip: you can thank me later.
So why promote Movember? Besides the fact that it raises millions for testicular cancer charities each year?
You might find this question rhetrorical: frankly, it’s not like many girls like them. Like actively encourage them. Because actually:
- Moustaches can be unbelievably ticklish: it’s not entirely unlike being kissed by a furry, potentially stingy, caterpillar. And it’s really rough and scratchy for the first week
- It’s borderline perverted when you stroke them before deciding what you want for supper / to do on the weekend / whether you’ve got any whites that need to go in the washing machine
- Entirely normal-looking men morph into Seventies Pornstars somewhere between the third and fourth week. There are fantasies, and then there are fantasies. This is the italicised version
- Grooming: you don’t need a little comb with you at all times. At the other end of the spectrum: trim it kid
So, once again: why Movember? Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the definitive, incontrovertible answer: Tom Selleck.
Come to Mama.
For besides the many other cultural contributions The Selleck has made (cf: Hawaiian shirts), his work with the moustache is surely the most notable. He has singularly proved that if you’ve got charisma, you Sir, can grow a moustache. And look cool. And engagingly nutty. Behold:
This is a man who knows his stuff (so do we: this style is called a chevron). In all instances when growing a moustache, aim for a Selleck. Selleck is your GOD.
Admittedly, Ryan also does a good line in facial fluff:
But if we’re being honest, this is facial hair rather than just a moustache. If he shaved off his burns and his soul patch, he’d be pulling a Hulk Hogan. But if you aren’t keen on a caterpillar (or, you are unsure whether you’ll ever kiss a girl again with a moustache), this, my friend oh buddy oh pal, will work dandy.
Iron Man also knows what he’s working. So do John and Ringo, who are chilling out with their handlebars on his t-shirt. Oh yeah. Iron Man got The Beatles to join in on his face party. And so he should: that’s a moustache right there that requires no twirling, waxing or otherwise styling. All you need is to doctor the occasional stragglers who grow a little longer over your lip.
This, from Johnny Depp, requires two things: more experience with clippers than is immediately obvious – that thing has been thinned – and fierce cheekbones.
Obviously, if you’re Jack Sparrow, that also helps. But we’ll settle for a nascent handlebar. Especially on hipster boys. We (female collective, rather than royal ‘we’ deployed earlier on) like a hipster with a handlebar.
So there you have it. Four moustaches to be getting on with. Four moustaches that might persuade you to do something great for another dude’s chances against cancer (if that’s not bromance, I don’t know what is). Got guts? Go for a Selleck. Got cheekbones? Depp’s yo’ brother from another mother. Convincing your girlfriend? Pull a Gosling. Going for gold with minimum effort? Iron Man away.